We came from a variety of backgrounds. Most of us had experienced a crippling
depression. We felt inadequate, unworthy, alone and afraid. Our insides never
matched what we saw on the outsides of others. As our feelings of helplessness
and worthlessness grew, dying seemed our only relief. Suicide became our option.
At first fleeting, thoughts of suicide began to grow until, as our mental state
deteriorated, they filled our days. Some felt trapped by intensely painful
circumstances. We tuned out with suicidal fantasy and preoccupation.
Many of us became true addicts. Others were survivors of suicide. The problem we
faced was the same. The pursuit of the perfect suicide, the trance-like effect
induced by ruminating about death became the drug we used to cope with our
unbearable pain. We lost the sense that suicide was taboo or forbidden and began
to view it as an acceptable alternative, a personal privilege. Many times we came
to the brink of action, retreating with hearts pounding, exhilarated by the illusion
that we were God-like in the power we held over our own lives. Some of us
retreated from that decision, hoping it was not our sole choice, only to tire and
decide we could no longer endure the pain.
Many of us made an attempt or attempts to end our life, only to awaken sickened
by the realization that our best efforts had failed. This increased our guilt,
self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain. Morning after promises to stop these
fantasies of death were made to our desperate families and friends.
But suicidal fantasies killed any chance for true life. Soon the seduction of suicide
again overtook us and before long we were caught up in the fantasy of death,
believing this would give us the eternal peace we craved. Instead we were
victimized by internal turmoil and overwhelming humiliation. Alone we were
powerless and our most sincere promises to stop this deadly preoccupation had
become fantasies themselves.
© 1996 by Suicide Anonymous. All rights reserved. No part of this may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from Suicide Anonymous.
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